I’ve never been a person included in groups. Groups of girls going on a girl’s trip. Groups of friends dressing in theme on Halloween. I’ve never been the girl a guy wants as his girlfriend. Despite my capability of devotion and loyalty. No one wants that from me. I’ve always been a bright unique shining star, but a lone wolf all the same. Everything I wanted to do with someone else I learned to do for myself. Keep my home beautiful for me. Cook yummy food for me. Buy myself the things I want cause no one else will. Love myself because I can rely on me.

I’ve never been a priority to anyone. Not my parents, not my ex boyfriends, not my friends. There isn’t a person that has ever thought ‘what about ____?’ I’ve always had to run to keep up because I was always forgotten.

But I can’t for all my attempts erase the impulse. The envy when I see dope group costumes and girls trips. The rare male that I wish I belonged to. That I wished wanted me like that. The inability to kill the jealousy of the woman who can hold their attention. The desire to be apart of a family unit and help some mom with her children and watch them grow as we laugh with wine.

I’m too unique, too bright, too brazen, to bold, too sexy, too mouthy, too independent, too me.

If there’s anything I know it’s that I can’t stop being me.

And the people that love me, that’s what they love.

I am unapologetically myself.

But I can’t kill the part of me that wishes I was someone’s priority. That there would be someone that always remembered to include me. That my depressive episodes wouldn’t go unnoticed.

Maybe then the stark light of the brazen ugliness of humanity wouldn’t feel so lonely and full of despair. Maybe then I’d have purpose beyond myself. I don’t think people get that about depression. How difficult it is when you are your only purpose.

Most days I’m fine.

Today I woke up sad and jealous.

My own fault looking at things and having the knowledge that I shouldn’t.

I am also my own worst enemy.

I’ll cry this morning. Get it all out. Then I’ll pull myself together, put my face on and go about my day.

Because even when I feel like shit, I might as well live.