This Modern Dystopia

I was only a bad Scorpio briefly.

(this excludes my sister, as family have a way of pulling the worst out of you, and respectfully I will not be discussing here)

Early on I was aware of my keen ability to intuitively know the most hurtful thing to do or say to a person. In my youth I would lash the tail but it wasn’t terribly long before I learned every time I did that the poison didn’t leave me. It stayed in me. Just because my super power was knowing the most cutting thing to say when you find yourself in the, let’s say hurtful things battle, didn’t make it a good super power.

So I learned to reign it in. Hold my tongue. Be a bigger person than the stereotype.

That’s not to say I wasn’t insane, toxic and emotionally reactive in my relationships in my 20s. My 20s by and large were chaotic with my pursuit of a true love. But if we’re holding any stock in astrology it wasn’t Scorpio sun doing the damage. Rather my obsessive Pisces moon and my fickle erratic Sagittarius Venus that were wreaking the most havoc.

I really did want someone to love me forever. I wanted to get married under a willow tree. I wanted a family. I wanted all the heteronormative fantasies they feed us. My Pisces moon was a romantic. That was my first desire even in highschool, I pined after the virgin that was saving himself for marriage, who also dated all my friends. Men have always been shitty to me.

Then I met Alex at 18. 8 years my senior and worldly in making love as a musician. He was adamant that I was aware of this new super power.

Sex.

I wasn’t just good at it. I was great at it. I not only enjoyed it I LOVED it. This is the thing that scorpions are known for. The intensity and joy with which we fuck.

He insisted I go out into the world and wield it like a man would. And I took that advice to heart.

My Venus took it to heart. And I was reckless, chasing love and sleeping with anyone I wanted. I quickly learned as a hot girl I could have anyone. So I did, I had everyone I wanted. Men were like items on a buffet table and I picked and chose at leisure.

Sagittarius in Venus lends to the desire to experience and feel everything and throw in my emotional love seeking Pisces. It made for the worst way to try and find someone to love.

I had a handful of relationships but they were always plagued by boy’s insecurity. How could a hot girl like me love them? They thought I’d cheat or wearing revealing clothing would entice another man to steal me away.

Scorpios are loyal first. No matter the reassurance I could not assuade their insecurities and it never lasted long.

People would argue to take relationships slow. That it would be better. Was it better to take more time to get to the same destination I argued? I think wasting more time is worse. I’d rather meet the end sooner than later.

So I dated, had lovers. I would consider lovers mini temporary relationships. A month spent having sex and indulging in a person before moving on.

And for many years I still pursued the fairytale though I never seemed to attract men that wanted those same things. I couldn’t understand why.

Scorpio loses their mind when the sex is phenomenal. I’ll never forget the man that I so desperately wanted to keep. He was so good at bringing the best person in me out and the most intense connection during the hours long sex where we moved together. But in the end he also ended up being so good at bringing out the worst when he became distant. When I became obsessive and heart broken. When I forced him to take me in one last time and he asked if I wanted him to make love to me so that I would calm down. And even in hysteria my heart melted and broke at the same time. How could he know little Scorpio that sex really fixes everything for us? How I knew it would be the last time he’d see me.

The years went on and I grew and matured. I left my 20s behind and in my 30s I found the chaotic dust in my brain start to settle. I started to look inward and learned some things about myself.

After a pregnancy scare I started to figure out that I wasn’t suited to motherhood. I loved children. But in no world would being a mother not come at the expense of my mental health. The new found stability I had fought so hard for. Nor was motherhood something I could do on my own. Good fathers were not men that were interested in me. I realized I don’t really want children of my own. As maternal as I was there were plenty of children to love. And by my 30s there were plenty of mothers who needed help and were grateful to my presence. By my mid 30s it also became glaringly apparent that men were often not the nurturing fathers they promised.

As I aged I tried to learn to love myself instead. To take care of myself instead. If I could just get there everything else would work out.

And then my last relationship. It was two years. Two years I was a happy girlfriend. He did fall into similar characteristics. He neither wanted marriage or children. I naively thought I could change his mind on marriage. I still dreamt of my wedding. I was loyal in love even though he didn’t seem interested in sex. I was on birth control anyway so there was no sex drive.

I was still learning to control my emotional reactiveness. He always knew how to turn a laugh in all my crisis’s. He was a stable rock and foundation. He was safe. He felt like home.

But he didn’t stand any ground against his friend’s mistreatment of me and he was never going to leave his life with his friends to start a life with me. All it took was me getting off birth control and my sex drive slammed back into me like a freight train.

At a festival, that I pleaded him to go with me, that he refused, I hooked up with someone else.

That was all it took.

I barely survived that heart ache. How I managed to pass classes when I was crying all day is beyond me. I somehow got through it. I finished my cosmetology courses and obtained my license.

Slowly with a broken heart I started making steps towards a career and taking care of myself.

I had fully left my Pisces obsession with love behind because it was more myth than reality. And my Sagittarian Venus has calmed a bit on chasing experiences.

I had finally found some sanity and stability in myself.

As I waded through my 30s it wasn’t without it’s own struggle. COVID be damned.

But I’ve found I’ve started to grow into my Scorpio independence more. Scorpio’s guarded heart. Scorpio’s unwillingness to open up so easily. Scorpio’s selectiveness with the company they keep.

I now realized that I never attracted men who wanted to get married, not because of some personal flaw, but because men who want a wife have an idea as to what a wife should be. And I was never going to be those things. I realized within those parameters I’d never be a ‘good wife’ because I would never put anyone before myself. I then realized I’d sooner shoot myself in there head then legally become a man’s property. That marriage would inevitably be a headache no matter how I dice it.

I didn’t want children. Children were a trap. A man trap. By my late 30s now the chorus I heard mothers singing was that of their children’s father and all the ways he continued to torture them after the demise of their relationship.

Sure I know happy couples that are loving parents. But I can count them on one hand and I really believe they just got lucky.

I’ve grown.

Into a person that finally doesn’t take people’s behaviors personally.

Into hyper independence.

Into enjoying my solitude.

More a scorpion now then ever.

But with a long dormant tail.

I’ve also leaned into my Virgo rising.

Quick to judge perhaps

Loving perfection in the places where it brings me joy.

Scorpios get a bad name. I can see how the worst of us can turn people against us.

But if you’re going to put stock in astrology. Scorpio wasn’t the worst of me. It was the other placements. I was able to identify the worst of Scorpio and put is aside early.

I don’t discredit people’s experiences. And I won’t force myself onto anyone anymore.

If you’re willing to give me a chance to break the stereotype I’ll take it. If not that’s fine too. I’ll continue on loving me and my growth. I’ll continue to seek growth and give kind to those that deserve it most.

I’m a loud shit talker. But I’m really soft on the inside though wary to show it. Life does harden you. Truth be told I’m terrified to love someone again. If someone happens to come along that truly deserves that love and gives in kind, I’ll have to face that fear.

But for now I’m content to be me happy by myself.

No one can take that from me.