So many people assumed I was stupid in my early adulthood because I didn’t contribute to the ‘intellectual’ conversations my peers were having around me. The coffee shop, the late nights at Denny’s, the house party with box wine and people singing Tom Petty, and packed into college dorm rooms. T

he truth was I was incredibly insecure about speaking up on topics I didn’t have full knowledge on and also because I wanted to hear what others had to say. The confidence with which people spoke about things as if they knew it for fact. I was constantly absorbing the information that people spewed so easily. Looking for the reasoning, the logic, the motive. The authenticity trying to identify who is lying and who is bluffing.

I was never dumb, I was always reading the room.

That was true of most my life. Just a sponge absorbing the words and feelings of everyone around me. A super empath if you will, but more a heavy burden then anything.

A former friend accused me of being stupid in a fit of jealous rage to a man she wished desired her because of my lack of contribution in these conversations. I remember being stunned that she thought so, but mostly I was sad. Dyslexia and ADD prevented me from ever excelling on a studious level. The majority of my knowledge came from what I heard and absorbed from people second hand. Much of what I felt and knew was because of her. I was so grateful for the knowledge I gained second hand because of late nights listening to her rant about philosophy and politics with our friends. She was someone I considered a best friend for a long time and she didn’t know me at all. She had never really wanted to know me. She couldn’t look past her own feelings about how her guy friends always dated me or slept with me.

This was something I was oblivious too. How much it bothered other women when all the boys wanted to fuck around with me. How I didn’t even achieve this by particularly loose behavior. Sexuality is very much a pheromone that people can just feel.

I don’t regret my actions. I regret that women feel compelled to compete with each other for boys affection. I regret that women continue to put their value on this. Men certainly don’t deserve such power.

I like to believe that we will all grow past this. Find our value in ourselves free of others responses to us.

I am realist first. And I know that the majority will choose what’s easy. Jealousy and insecurity.

Self awareness and growth is only for people who aren’t afraid of pain.

Because self awareness and growth demands you address your own participation in your fears and insecurities. Your participation is the only thing you can control.

She’s married with her first child now and I hope that she’s happy. I always held love for her and I always will.